Heart of stone and haunting eyes

Sunday. Today was the same as any other Sunday I got to sleep in for a change and rest was welcomed especially after working 13 hours on Saturday... I even had the most pleasant dreams that left me feeling so good and ready for the rainy day. I actually Love the rain! Anyhow I got ready and left for church enjoying the torrential down pour and craziness of driving through flooded areas! it was exciting I was just about to turn into my church (on time mind you! yes its rare for me) but then I saw this lady completely drenched walking by herself. I knew I had to pick her up so I turned around and drove by her but when I saw her I was a bit appalled... her pants were pulled down to where half of her butt was out and I was thinking Oh no I'm not picking up some druggy prostitute in my car ewe  I was horrified. As I drove past I could hear Jesus saying "oh okay so you would pick her up if she was decent but sense she's not  she's not worth it to you? Really???"  I thought about how Jesus stood up for the prostitute that everyone else had condemned to be stoned. He told her, "Go and sin no more"  With those thoughts in my head I pulled over and waited for her to walk up. She came I rolled my window down and she was grateful for the ride. I asked where she was headed but I think she must of been on a lot of drugs because I couldn't understand a thing she said. Finally I got a "right" out of her and then a "left"  I asked her if she knew Jesus Christ and it sounded like she knew who he was but again she spoke a lot but I couldn't figure out what she was trying to say? The smell of urine and feces overpowered the air freshener in my car. I'm not really sure that she knew where she was going we ended up in the middle of businesses and next to the train tracks...  anyhow she asked me to turnaround then instead she just got out  she thanked me i think? that's what it was?  but then she left. I can't forget her eyes. I always notice peoples eyes, i'm an eye contact kind of person but these eyes were painful to look at and scary. they literally were haunting. Ice blue with a light ring around the pupil. As I drove back to church I kept rethinking about it all and the smell was still nauseating somehow I thought it would go away but apparently my wet passenger seat soaked it in (I hope its just water?).   Before I got in church I stopped and prayed, "God please help me to love like you do"    It hit me hard.....  to think  I was going to pick some one up and then NOT pick them up just because of my OWN COMFORT?!!?  wow. "Please soften my heart of stone" Amen

Anxiety

Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength. 

How true is that? So I realized I started to write this blog last year but somehow I never got around to finishing it. It's about time riiiight?  so here it is  a bunch of cool quotes from Charles Spurgeon and  some insight from me... haha at least I hope it's "insight"!!!! 

Beware of no man more than of yourself; we carry our worst enemies within us.

(so the first quote and the second I can almost combine in the sense that I feel as though I have defeated myself when I let anxiety get the best of me. Not only do I suffer from my own fears but it also effects the people that are closest to me; which is what hurts the most. It makes me want to disappear. It's kind of like the dramatic movie scene where the guy ignores the girl and she's like, "Why are you doing this to me? I thought you loved me?!?!?!"  and then they guy says, "It's because I love you, that is why I can't be with you!" Although the girl would be more than willing to be in harms way just to be with him. Sometimes I feel like maybe people would be better off not knowing me, not having to deal with... well....  me ) 

huge sighs... moving right along, so on another note I have been challenged recently in my thinking....  basically a little pact between God and I. It is simple just that  I would remember the price He paid for me and therefore end the negative feed back that eats me alive inside of my head. Out with the bad!!!!  In with the good! and breathe!!!!   *no this is not YOGA!  :) 

God has blessed my life with random reminders in the past 3 months I have had some odd encounters that have drastically helped me with my thoughts and my relationship with God.

  

 The first being: I got hit by a car while standing/talking with a friend in the church parking lot. Odd right? out of all places lol  but in any case it reminded me of how fragile life is and how it is a gift.

The Second thing happened on the same night:  after getting hit by the car I headed back to my car with a sore wrist and this guy was walking in the same direction (I've know this guy for 4 years but i only run into him when i'm in dire need or i'm making a huge choice like going to school in Peru or things like that and he always pops in speaks words of truth and then I don't see him  for another 6-8 months?!?! its crazy  I don't even know his name? so when I saw him I knew something was up... He talked about how easy it is to let "stuff" get in the way of what God's called you to do he spoke of some mistakes he feels like he has made but is redeeming now   then he stopped and just looked at me....     and said, "You know... I think i'm supposed to tell you this: you are a light, and for some reason you don't see it. Don't forget that you are light no matter where you are..."      I was taken back, I got in my car and cried.

The third thing is this: Just last week I went to a coffee shop I was meeting up with a friend to play some music. As we were playing/talking I notice these two guys staring at me... I mean like WHOA?!!? what the heck?!! it kind of freaked me out...  while my friend took a phone call one of the guys comes up to me puts out his hand and says, " Hi, my name is Bo and God told me to tell you that you are deeply loved." after this the other guy came up to me and said, "My name is Russel and I see that when you work with children you find such joy" then Bo spoke up and said," I just get this feeling that right now you are in this place where you are being gardened, but God is preparing you for something amazing, He is going to use you."       Again taken back I told them  how amazing this was, how I had been struggling with remembering that God loves me and that I'm not a failure and that even if I was His love never fails nor changes. I told them how God had earlier reminded me about me being a Light for Him. The guys smiled we were all a little teary eyed and we talked about how we can't disappoint God He loves us and then, in the middle of this coffee shop we held hands and prayed. It was incredible I thanked God and praised him, I basked in the fact that we have such a Loving Father such an incredible Father. That day I just sat back, looked around and praised God... what great lengths He travels just to remind us that we are His.

Praise is the beauty of a Christian. What wings are to a bird, what fruit is to the tree, what the rose is to the thorn, that is praise 

to a child of God.”—1895, Sermon #2437  

falling in love

* singing with Jars of Clay right now  "I want to fall in love with You..."

   In open fields of wild flowers,

she breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses
in no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running
fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

aah if only I could fall in His arms now... and NO this is not about a guy, this is about my Savior. I remember when I first understood the meaning of grace; when it first sunk in that He has saved me, Jesus has forgiven me, and He has made me holy. It was incredible to know that he took my guilt and threw it away, nailed my sin to the cross. It has been many years since then and He has proven faithful to stand by my side through this life. But sometimes you just want to fall in love again, you know what I mean? I think that is where I'm at and its wonderful. Any relationship whether friend, family, or even spouse I think goes through this, a renewing. It's an amazing time of growth, it can be painful too. In these times you realize maybe some ways you need to change or ways you let the other down, but ultimately you strengthen that bond and it grows so much deeper. Here's to prayers of always growing deeper in love with Christ.

          - Ephesians 3:14-21a

For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory…

Interesting post.

This message is adapted from "Following the Mystics through the Narrow Gate" not something I wrote! but I did enjoy, even the Bible speaks of the importance of self-evaluation. 

The German Jesuit, Karl Rahner, said something like this (although his German is hard to translate): “The infinite mystery that you are to yourself and the infinite mystery that God is in God’s self proceed forward together as one.” In simple English, as you uncover God’s loving truth, you uncover your own, and as you uncover your own truth, you fall deeper into God’s mercy and love. I’ve certainly seen this in my own little journey. When I come to a breakthrough in my own shadow work, my own sinfulness, my own self-knowledge, or in wonder at my own soul, it invariably feeds and invites the other side, and I want to go deeper with God.

In the same way, when my heart opens up in a new recognition of the nature of God, it always invites me into deeper and daring honesty, deeper self-surrender, deeper shadow work with my own illusions and my own pretensions. The two will always feed one another, and that’s why people who go deeper with God invariably have a very honest evaluation of themselves. They are never proud people. They can’t be, because the closer you get to the Light, the more you see your own darkness. And the closer you get to your own ordinariness (which sometimes includes darkness), the more you know you need the Light.

barely

Well this last week has been a hard one. My Grandpa passed away on friday and the hardest part was not him leaving us it was watching him suffer the way he did. In order to understand a bit well I want to tell you about my Grandpa. Everyone knows him as Jay but his real name is Lloyd. If you ever had anything that needed fixing well just say the word and he would be working on it. It didn't matter how hard the job or how hot the day he would be out there working his tail off just to get it done. He was so strong! I tried racing him once when  I was around 10 and well he beat me! he was around 70... Yea, that's just who he was, so competitive!!! I remember one time being in his truck at a stoplight and some punk teenagers were giving him a hard time... Im pretty sure they were just as shocked as I was when we floored it off the line and left them in the dust haha! He was always up for a challenge. He had dealt with cancer before but this time it was different he was older and it came back with vengeance. People can speculate as much as they want as to why bad things happen to good people but I know as long as we are on this side of heaven none of us our exempt from the fall; (sin/sickness/death) *check the 3rd chapter of Genesis for more info. which has corrupted the world.

Moving on.... so now its been 2 weeks since his "homecoming to be with Jesus" we had a nice ceremony for him with our family and even the Navy gave him a flag ceremony. Really everything was beautiful and I couldn't be happier with how it all went; I mean I got to tell him I loved him and he told me he loved me before he went. But somehow... now, life just seems so weird. I don't know what to do with myself and I don't know why? I seem to be constantly reminding myself of what it is I'm doing, of my plan for life, and why. (as if i actually had a plan! LOL) Maybe I'm just floating through space until its my turn to go? But interestingly enough that's where I'm at and this song has really hit home, I love how it says, "In the pain is there healing? In Your name, I find meaning, so I'm hanging on....."
so there you have it update on my insanity... :)

Times

well, it has been a while since i've posted in here... time has been insane. so fast! but through everything Christ is faithful. His peace beyond understanding reigns true always... Did you know that?    yea its true. through life through death through [all] his peace is amazing and is readily available to all who ask for it (More on this subject later)


The other day I was talking with someone and they said, "If I had a hobby like painting or hiking, or like you; Jesus...."   I had to smile to myself because I've never heard of anyone calling my faith a hobby but at the same time I was so glad that they referred to the thing I spend time doing the thing that is the very essence of my life as being Jesus, my faith my Love.... I pray that is always how people see me.
I think of Time a lot like a river. Last month I got to enjoy Kayaking down the American river with my best friend. It was so much fun to just see what was around the bend. There were parts with rapids  but there were also slow sections where you could just relax. For those of you who know me; you know I don't really "just relax" much. But, I feel I am in this awkward stage of waiting, of being patient, and resting in the Lord. Sometimes I'm here kicking and screaming, other times just simply resting in His arms. Something God has really been teaching me is that I need to trust Him. (sounds so simple and so basic) I have always trusted Him with the big things and easily trusted Him with others but what about trusting Him in how tomorrow will turn out?  What about trusting Him in the work he is doing In my own heart? What if how I thought things would turn out is not how He wants them to turn out?  Do I have that confident expectation in Him that everything will happen just how it should?  He has spoken to me loud and clear that I need to draw close to Him. So here I am I've been a follower of Christ for over 15 years and the simplest thing is what I need to do, that is draw close to the Lord, to remember my first love. Beginning with Prayer. I've decided that being alone with Him, clearing my mind, and truly pouring my heart to Christ and Christ alone is vital. It's amazing and horrible how easy it is to fall away from that. Our culture is so busy, is so filled with conversation that finding time away from it all is much harder than expected. But I promise you it is so worth it! You will not be disappointed...

through and through

How good it is to be known through and through. Deep inside of my core being there is a burning desire to  be known. It's something I can only attempt to explain...  The book the The People Code by Dr. Taylor Hartman scratches the surface when he talks about the motivation behind peoples actions. According to his book my personality type is the color Blue and blue's motivation comes from relationships, which makes perfect sense to me. My whole life has been marked by people. *everyone's life is marked by people  But what I mean is every huge turning point in my life, every deep hurt/failure, every triumph, and every memory is wrapped up in a different person that touched my life. This also explains how when I am hurt by someone I carry it with me, its not just a memory to me, it is that person, their face, their words, even their smell... it is everything they are that hurt me. I know that Jesus Christ has forgiven me therefore I forgive others. I do forgive them but the after thoughts are painfully hard to deal with. However when that person makes it clear that they want to set things right I can instantly dismiss anything of the past; no matter how painful it was because once again I am wrapped up in what they said, their face, their countenance, and that is enough for me. Then my memory of them is on the fact that they patched things up and I hold them in  high regard.

It is a strange thing to live like this.... Just recently I had an awesome opportunity to talk with one of my dear friends on this very subject. She is the kind who knows my heart so very well, as I like to say she knows me through and through... The best part is it is a mutual feeling. When we talk it is refreshing, it is safe, and one can just breathe and know its okay. Some times it seems like she knows exactly what I need to hear and she actually says it!  Anyhow we both reminisced about past times and how sometimes when we miss it all so much, when we miss each other so much it brings "pangs"  definition being: emotional pain that you can actually feel. You see we live far apart now and our lives our going in different directions. But somehow we still carry this connection that I know is only a God thing. It is as if nothing else matters because our friendship still remains. We both know that if anything happened one would drop everything in a heartbeat to be there for the other and visa versa. It is incredible; truly. I could not be more thankful for the joy that it brings. I know it is a gift from my Heavenly Father. He knew I couldn't make it through this life without *and i'm being dead serious when I say that... Thank you Jesus