hmmm.

faithNoun/fāTH/

1. Complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

2. Strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof

In the Bible it always talks about having faith like a child right? But although I do feel like a child most of the time I realize that my faith is strong for everything else but myself. I can have faith for my friends because I know God will work things out for them. But when it comes to the work He is doing in my heart all I can see is my failures. Is God not bigger than my shortcomings? Is his grace only sufficient for others? I know He is the almighty one He can do anything.... But nothing will happen if I don't have faith. Think about the story of the woman in Mathew 9:20-22

Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. She said to herself, "If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed." Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment.

The Lord must be willing as well. If i truely want this I must also believe that he wants this too.  Matthew 8:2:3

A man with leprosy [fn] came and knelt before him and said, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.
Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man"I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" Immediately he was cured [fn] of his leprosy.

So many things strike me about these passages... Jesus touched the untouchable, He was willing, and immediately he helped these people. I know I want to change, I know I want to be new, but I don't know how to get past this brick wall that is constantly in my face.

Jesus, if you are willing please change me. I don't want to be like this anymore. You know my heart perfectly, you see all the flaws, but Lord please heal me inside. I cant take the aching tearing pain anymore. Increase my faith. Free me from the past and help me move on. I so need you. God here I am all of me may Your will be done. In Jesus name, Amen

Love Letter From God

Love Letter From God
Everyone wants to give themselves completely to someone…to have a good deep relationship with another…to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God says to a Christian, no…not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by Me. (Matthew 6:33)

Having an intimate, personal and unique relationship with Me… Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, then you will be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united completely with another until you are united completely with Me, above all other desire and longing. Allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan that exsists…one you could not possibly imagine! I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to give it to you. You must keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things…Keep listening and learning the things I promise and mean. Be patient…that is all.

Don't be anxious (Matt. 6:34), don't worry, don't look around at the things others have gotten, or what I have given them. Don't look at the things you think you want, just keep looking up to Me…or you will miss what I want to show you. And then…when you are ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you could dream of. You see…until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready (which I am working even at this moment to have you ready at the same time), you will not be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me. Until you are both satisfied with Me and the life I want you to have, you will not be able to have that perfect love. And dear one…I want you to have the most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me and enjoy an everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that only I can offer.

Know that I love you…I am God Almighty.
Believe and be satisfied.

Battered, bruised and unclothed in self-pity. -Dead Poetic

Things I've learned... 
  1. Sin always hurts. Whether its you or others, whether its past or present; To Jesus it is nails, thorns, and His  blood on our cross.
 2. The more you focus on self the lonelier you feel.
 3. Serving others defeats depression!
 4. Life has nothing to do with you.
 5. Being blessed isn't a matter of the things you have been given, but being thankful for the things you already have.
 6. The first shall be last. Everything we understand is completely backwards in God's eyes.
 Last but not least (haha  there are truly many more but for now these 7 are on my heart)
 7. Perspective, it changes everything... Having the correct perspective is vital to following after Christ.

You know... God is so good He has always proven himself to be faithful to me. I don't understand why I ever doubt him or why I constantly look to others for comfort, for love. Below I put some lyrics to one of my favorite songs be Dead Poetic it is called Take this Breath...
Take this breath for me because 
I cannot bear to do it alone
Pray this prayer for me because
I have no strength to go on
You wont understand me
And I wont understand completely
You don't know what its like
To die inside so completely Battered bruised and unclothed in self pity
But I cannot change this city
Downtrodden upon like an insect infect
I know so much I haven't realized yet
I can't go on no I've tried and tried take this breath God dry my eyes 
Take this breath for me (Take this breath for me)
Take this breath for me (and hold me close and hold me close) 

 Lord... Please hold me close. amen

To Whom it May Concern

(its a great song by Underoath! well if you don't like screemo then you might like this piano version of it)

Today after lunch I went outside and the sun was brilliant and oh so warm... I just had to stay in it. I sprawled out on the cement, tummy down and soaked it in. It was wonderful. I hadn't really thought about how this might look for someone else to see a person face down on the cement. (or if i did think of it I was too comfortable to care) I was so enjoying myself just thanking God for all he has done, for how blessed I am even though I don't know why. It was truly wonderful.... Then well.... my roommate came up with a gasp and was like Brandy! She stops and then says, "Well my first reaction was to freak out! Then I saw it was you and I had to think.. Brandy would do something like that..." lol She then went on to say It's something she totally would've done too except well not in public!!! Haha so funny... :) I'm so content here. Thank you Lord

El Camino

This is the path I take here in Peru, its my time to be with Him.

Hey, so today is a little different. Sometimes I get into these moods... these sentimental ones lol  and I guess you could say I'm like a banana oh so mushy!  haha its true... just ask any of my friends. But anyway I am listening to Forever Reign by Hillsong, it is an incredible song if you don't know it here is the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZ3KIXadMoY
The Chorus says "and Oh I'm running to Your arms I'm running to Your arms the riches of your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to Your embrace Light of the world forever reign." I so want that. I long to run to his arms. Have you ever desired that? Desired to just be held by the one who loves you. The only one who truly loves you, Jesus. He gave himself for me. You might find this strange but I long to run into the arms of God *I know I know He is GOD i mean He made this whole place. But within me is this indescribable yearning to be wrapped up in His arms. The hope of that one day happening is what keeps me going.  I might be alone in this world but I know one day I will feel perfect love and I already feel it in my heart. But one day face to face I will see Him. We serve a good God. He is incredible. Jesus I love you.

Oltrema

Currently listening to Oltrema by Ludovico Einaudi. He has become my favorite composer by far! Oltrema means: The maximum or minimum value of a function. Being here in Cajamarca, Peru is wonderful! I absolutly love it and there is no doubt in my mind that this was meant to be. However I am struggling with being all that i can be. Romans 8 has to be my favorite chapter in the Bible and  right now I'm listening to Chuck Smith's commentary on it. (his commentary on both chapter 7 and chapter 8 are equally challenging) But on chapter 8 he posses this question, "Am I lead by the Spirit of God?" so then  I have to ask myself are my choices based on God or are they based on my desires and then I pray about it? I don't want to be run by the things i desire but i want my desires to be His. Sighs, It's so easy to just feel like a failure because I'm not the child of God that i want to be and that's when Romans 8:1 comes in. (If Romans is my favorite book and chapter 8 is my favorite chapter then verse 1 has to be my favorite verse)

Romans 8:1 "There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit "

And then Pastor chuck says,"I think that this particular verse has meant more to me than almost any other passage of scripture, because I lived so many years of my Christian life in constant condemnation. Because, though my spirit was indeed willing, my flesh was weak. "
 I cant agree with him more. That has been a constant struggle for me but we are free from condemnation. God wants us to move on, He wants us to give over our sins our failings and to rest in His salvation His forgiveness  Whoever reads this I want you to know, the price has already been paid you no longer have to dwell on your mistakes Christ has nailed them to the cross once you repent and you are free.

Houston, TX

Well, its been a while since I've written and a lot has happened! I was working in Indiana at a Summer Camp where I felt the Refiner's fire in full blaze. Afterwards I headed to Ohio to visit family, friends, and friends I consider family. It was a blessed time no doubt. The flames resided and this pottery project was dipped in cool water. I am in awe of how good He is. Just when you think you can't do it He provides exactly what you need.
With hope surging through my veins i guess you could say the twinkle in my eye returned as God covered the expenses of my trip home and then sum... :)
*August 12th at 4AM Michael, Scott, and I left IN After 18 hours of driving we  arrived in Denver Colorado Friday evening and we SLEPT!!!! its was oh so nice!  (shout out to Bryce's family thank YOU!!!) they let us crash at their house.  I was so happy to be done driving but even more so to see my dear friend Mia!!! It was so so so good to see her. The next day we had planned on going for a hike a BIG hike. We woke up bright and early and headed to Mount Evans. This hike would be about 14 miles one way and 14 thousand feet in elevation! Well we gave it our best shot and made it about 13,000 feet but then altitude sickness got the best of Michael so we turned back  It was quite the adventure ill have to write that down in detail sometime) August 14th Sunday we left at 1pm encountered some car trouble which  added a few hours to our trip but eventually we made it home in Cali around 10 am. After that the events were a blur. Washed my Car watched my parents softbal game hung out with cousins visited with grandparents did some POWER SHOPPING with Mom!  (THANK YOU MOMMY!) and then it was off to unpacking and repacking.  Thursday i was going to fly to Peru for my last semester of Bible college.  I think i got about 2 hours of sleep then woke up at 3 AM got everything ready and at 4 we left... My first flight went well second flight was delayed (and i realized i totally forgot my Spanish bible and a dictionary ugg.....)   So  my second flight was delayed as we landed i rushed off to find my gate then as i was running i stopped in front of the screen to check on it and then i read in big letters CANCELLED!  AAAH   lol   I don't know if i was relieved because i didnt have to run or if i was like REALLY?!?!?!  but anyhow things worked out pretty well.. I was rescheduled for the same flight tomorrow  and i got a free hotel stay a long with free food tickets! :)   hence the HOUSTON, TX status... im rather enjoying m stay here... resting eating and resting more. God is amazing I really needed this time to think about everything to get my mind ready for being back in Peru. I love Him so much.   He's just so so so GOOD.  Anyhow... I am now chilling at the Airport waiting for my flight! I will try to keep you updated!