Here I am

Hey so it has been a while, and writing in here is much more difficult than I thought it would be. Where we live we do not have internet and to get internet its about a 30 minute Combie (bus) ride into town... So here I am sitting at a coffee shop much like the ones we have in the states. I am so thankful for this place!!! First off I would like to say I LOVE being in PERU....   honestly I am so grateful to all of you who helped make this possible it has been such a blessing to be here. But things are not easy per say.. lol  upon arrival we had no electricity for 3 days it was a bit crazy... the construction is not near as far along as I had expected which means my "gardening plans"  have been put on hold.... in  the meantime I'm being used as a "landscaper" never something I had ever thought I would be?! lol God has funny ways of changing our plans.

 I have been trying to keep a positive attitude, but its been really hard. I so want to be used but I haven't really felt very helpful or even able?  I don't know I would so appreciate your prayers!  well I wanted to update you more but the cafe is closing and (we only have internet there) so  I have to go..... but I hope to update more soon!    I love you guys and miss you all dearly!!!  Pray pray pray!!!!     Thank you!!!!

"Here I  am...."   -my prayer....

Ready

Ready?  How do you know if you're ready for something I mean anything? A lot of times people will say "I'm not ready for that." Whether it's marriage or having kids or I dunno any big life commitment. But really do you think there will ever be a point where you will feel like you are ready? I mean like actually well prepared for what's to come?  How could that even be possible? You have no idea what could happen... What if What if?!!??   I think sometimes you have to just go for it and hope for the best.  Of course much consideration should be taken!  But when it all comes down to it, in the end you are still taking a leap of faith.
        Right now I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, well that's not entirely true I know I want to do God's will but as for what that's going to look like?!  oh dear!     Am I ready you ask? Do I feel like this is what I want to do?   HA HA...   in the eyes of the World this makes no sense. I am young I  don't have much money and yet I'm going to live in Peru for a year as an intern  so basically working for free and still paying to be there. It just doesn't make sense right? 
        Yes it's true it seems strange but as a child of God I honestly believe He wants me to be there to  do this.  I don't understand. But at the same time I think that's okay. If I was to understand everything that would take the excitement, the adventure, the uncertainty out of it.....   and then what fun would that be?  :)   no... My Father knows me all too well, He likes to keep me on the edge of my seat.   And you better believe [holy cow] I am there....   Hanging on for dear life!  Jesus! aah!  be my Shepherd,  break my legs if I wander, carry me if I cant walk! Hold me because I need You!

Remember Ai

So to recap a bit the last few months have been filled with, for lack of better words,  AWESOMNESS!!!!!!  I mean seriously I've been feeling blessed beyond blessed. It's been a really long time since I've had such a long stretch with no "lows"  if you know what I mean. God has been very gracious to me. So I figure I will just go over some of the many highlights!
 First and foremost I went on a 2 1/2 week Road trip across America with an amazing young man who also happens to be my cousin!  ;p  (people along the way where definitely confused about that LOL)  but in all fairness  he is my friend too not just my cousin.  Anyway I thought I would post some pictures from our trip (their at the bottom!).


Also along the way I got to visit with a lot of friends in Ohio (including my Bandit Boy who is a HORSE in case you were wondering)  and not to mention both Austin and I got to see our brothers and their families in Washington which was really cool and even some of our cousins in Oregon.  All in all it was an incredible trip not only for the adventure side but also for growing and encouraging our faith.  to sum it up GOD IS GOOD!

   okay so right as I got home I had to leave the next morning for my church's summer camp. The theme for the weekend was REVIVE! Each day we had talks about the heart, and different conditions of it, but always relating the physical to the spiritual. What will it take to get your heart Revived? It was a really sweet time and simply fun. Filled with incredible worship that I was privileged to be a part of on the cajon. It was a special time for sure.

Beautiful skies!

underwater photo shoot!

Horizon's Youth!

After camp I got home and did laundry and SLEPT! (also a very blessed time haha sleeping that is!) it was a much needed catch up.   But anyhow there was lots to do, for one my friend Mia's wedding is the 22nd so there's preparations for that, but also the 2 families I nanny for wanted to take me out before I leave for Peru (which was supposed to be around July 5th-ish) they took me out to Benihanas. It was so sweet to be with all of them. hehe  and crazy but what do you expect when you have 7 boys ages 3-50ish :)  haha the funny thing is we sat 3 girls on one side and then all the boys on the other!!!   LOL  it was awesome. It still amazes me that with all my insecurities I would think God would just shake his head at me and say "get over it" like most people do but instead he blesses me with people that simply love.   No joke they just love on me and they probably will never know how much it means to me.

my [fams]

so besides spending time with my famil[ies] I've been getting to hang out with Mia a ton and getting to pray with her about her future about her marriage to come its just been so (words don't really cut it).

with all that being said I almost forgot I would be leaving for Peru in a couple weeks (NOT READY AT ALL!)   it was then that one of my [fams] was like Brandy why don't you stay and go to Tahoe with us (on the annual trip) and I was like no I can't do that I'm supposed to leave for Peru and then they reminded me that I had not bought my ticket yet and that I should come and why not buy my ticket for Peru in August instead then I would have so much more time!  

  Incredible so here I am now  completely relieved!  and so looking forward to Tahoe and it's now that I recall advice a wise person once told me... he said remember Ai...    he then went on to explain what it meant... If you open up your Bible to Joshua chapter 7 particularly verse 3  but to give you some context I would read chapter 6 as well...
 basically Joshua had just lead the Israelites to a great victory when the walls of Jericho came down however in that victory the men grew prideful not remembering that the victory was the Lord's (not to mention someone among their troops had disobeyed by taking some of the artifacts from the battle for himself). So as they marched on they found another city to conquer, the city of Ai. Joshua sent men to spy out the land, those men came back reporting , "We wont need all the troops just send a few" very much in a cocky manner. So as the story goes God was not with them and they had to tuck tail and run away from that battle...

there are a lot of things you can take from this story but for me it is the constant reminder that when you just had a tremendous victory to be aware. To not get full of yourself to give glory where glory is due, but also to remember to always stay on your guard knowing that satan is right there. (1Peter 5:8)
 
   sorry for the novel but its been a while....  and now I want to end by Praising our maker  "Jesus thank you for being my Savior! The joy I find in you is in incomparable."

Enjoy the pix!

The Great Salt lake!

dinner is served!

My Bandit Boy!

riding Tucker

riding Bandit

We also got to explore a cave!

we hiked to many waterfalls!!!

2 waterfalls side by side!

SWEET cloud this is UNEDITED! how cool is that?

Devil's tower in WY

Austin's niece!

My nieces!

Mt. Shasta?

On love, hate, and apathy...

In high school my teacher once asked the class, "What is the opposite of love?" Without hesitation I raised my hand,  and said, "Hate" pretty matter-of-factly. I was shocked that that, was not the answer he was looking for. He went on to explain that when you  love someone you think about them all the time, when you hate someone you think about them all the time, but when you just don't care about them anymore you never think about them. It was an interesting concept, and I wasn't quite certain I believed it. I mean I had always grown up believing the opposite of love was hate it just makes sense right? But then as I considered relationships I had seen I did notice in the case of love and hate there is always a bit of obsession and oddly enough people can go between the two rather fluently (when I say this I'm not saying every relationship but simply that I have seen people go from love to hate and back to love again. Which always blows me away. How is that even possible?) But when it comes to apathy or being apathetic, there's not much more that can be done. Once a person reaches the state of apathy it is rare they will ever come back. I wish life wasn't so complicated and that we could all love each other like Christ. That would be amazing... However on this side of heaven it's just not reality. You can't make someone care about you. You can't make yourself "special" in their eyes. You can't make someone forgive you and move on. Although you can't do those things you can work on your own heart. Never grow apathetic! A very dear friend prayed this for me, that my heart would never grow apathetic (it is a prayer I've echoed countless times). I want to forgive just as I have been forgiven and Love just as I  have been loved by God and desire to be loved by others. Apathy is defined as lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern.  And it is a very dangerous place to be especially in regards to the world. As Christians we are called to love. That love is first and foremost unto God but secondly we are called to love others. (Not to be so disgusted with how lost the Lost are that we can't love on them as Christ did) I feel as though that is the condition of church. We are so stuck on making ourselves look good that we are afraid of reaching out.  I just want to end on this verse, it's Matthew 9:36 this the NIV version "When he(Jesus) saw the crowds, he had compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd." In the literal translation it says he was moved with compassion. As you dig into the Greek you will find that the description of being moved with compassion is literally saying your stomach tied in knots. If that is how Jesus felt when he looked over a crowd that is how I want to feel as well. May we always have compassion may we be moved with it to action.... Today, lets let the love of Christ compel us.

Fit For A King...

I a good friend of mine shared this song with me and... I don't have words for how incredible it is  so you just have to listen to it... Listen to it carefully to each word. Let it resonate in your soul.

I love the ocean. (I love a lot of things haha Mountians, Snow, CORN FIELDS! just to name a few)  but the Ocean holds a certain sense of freedom that is breath taking. It just doesn't compare to anything really...  When I was a kid I used to rush into the waves and "body surf" I thought I was pretty cool and all. My cousins and I had special moves for each wave like the "Superman" or the "Flip" haha but one of my favorites was what I called the "Rag doll". I literally would relax my body and let the wave just carry me... It would throw me around, tossed and twirled, I wouldn't even know which way was up! But I loved it. I would hold my breath *big cheeks and all; then  I would just wait. I would wait for all to be calm before I could pop back up and take a breath. Sometimes it was more like a gasp for air right before the next wave took me under!

   Sounds crazy right? yup that's me. Now I'm 24 years old. I'm still shocked that I've made it thus far... lol Anyway as I was sitting here reliving that ocean experience  remembering the weightlessness remembering the uncertainty and the rush of it all I couldn't help but relate it to how I feel right now. Life has its up and downs and there are times when you wont even know which way is up. But for as much as I feel like everything is uncertain I do know who carries me, and I do know He wont let me go. Just as the ocean surrounded me then he surrounds me now. His presence (penaii) bring the most joy the most freedom I have ever felt. And what a rush it is to live like this... (It's not always easy and I have had my share of doubts) but God has always proven faithful even when I am not. (Thank you Jesus... for everything)

When Heroes Die...

Who was your favorite Super Hero? For me... well.... really it's too hard to pick just one. As a kid a loved Bell in Beauty and the Beast because she rescued the beast and showed such compassion towards him. I suppose she wouldn't be considered a super hero though. Out of the actual "Super Heroes" Superman was pretty cool maybe a little too perfect, but in the new movies I have to say as far as heroe-ish-ness goes Captain America stole my heart, (well actually Thor did for other reasons lol) I love the part in Captain America, before he is "changed" in basic training when a grenade is thrown and he dives on top of it to save everyone else. Incredible right? Are humans actually capable of such selflessness? We hear stories of acts of heroism randomly throughout the news but somehow it seems so far away. But what if in the movies the Hero just died? What then? That would be a really crappy movie right? I mean why do we watch movies anyway? To be entertained to "feel good" mostly, sometime for other reason like to have a good cry or thrillers to get amped up but seriously what happens when heroes die?

As strange as it may sound I have been faced with this question for the last couple months. Alas the only thing I can think is that I shouldn't have made heroes in the first place. Why do we do that? Why do I do this to myself time and time again. Can't I ever remember that once upon a time I was someone's hero too, and I too let them down; I killed their hero. It is so strange; the human heart, the way we want to adore something or someone.  St. Augustine once said

"You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you."

And we know this to be true, at least those of us who have drawn near who have been filled to overflowing, yes we know it is true. So then why do I find myself in this place once again? I want You God to fill this hole and for the sake of all, for the sake of Your glory, I pray, I beg You do. I need you more than words can say. My heart is broken it has been shattered to pieces and I don't know how to pick them all up. I give them to you All of them once again.

"What are you to me? Have mercy on me, so that I may tell.  What indeed am I to you, that you should command me to love you, and grow angry with me if I do not, and threaten me with enormous woes? Is not the failure to love you woe enough in itself? Alas for me! Through your own merciful dealings with me, O Lord my God, tell me what you are to me. Say to my soul, I am your salvation. Say it so that I can hear it. My heart is listening, Lord; open the ears of my heart and say to my soul, I am your salvation. Let me run towards this voice and seize hold of you. Do not hide your face from me: let me die so that I may see it, for not to see it would be death to me indeed."- St. Augustine

Only God

(hiking back from Almere Falls)

I've been wanting to write in here forever... But every time I try to I just can't articulate what I want to say. It is so extremely frustrating! So I have decided to just write anyway and well if it works you will read it haha and if not it will be in my drafts...

 The last time I wrote I basically let ya'll know I was in a place where all I could do was cry out "God please take this, I need You now." I cried out that and I meant it with the very fiber of my being. And He answered.

I've heard it said that when you hit rock bottom there's no where else to go but UP!  I rather like that... Someone else recently told me, "People say the grass is always greener on the other side, but I say, 'The Grass is greener where you water it.'"  AMEN! How true... You are stuck in a set of circumstance, You cant really do anything about that... but it's what you do with what you are given that matters.

It has been a hard month but at the same time it has been such a blessed time. God worked through a mess in a way that only He could and brought redemption out of it. On top of that I was given an opportunity to serve him that rocked me to the core. I feel so undeserving and I'm so excited! I am going to back to Peru, back to Cajamarca for a year as an Intern for Calvary Chapel Bible College. I have never been so excited. I can't wait to see all that God does through this.  And as I said already I feel so undeserving its unbelievable but its so God and again  I say....  Only God....    Only God would have grace like, that mercy like that to forgive a messed up child and then plop an extraordinary gift right in their lap. He alone is good. Now where do I go from here? Well Jesus once told a parable about  a couple people who were forgiven debts one was a small debt the other was huge but both were equally forgiven. Then he asked the crowd which person do you think is more thankful? Of course the crowd answered, "the one who was forgiven most" Jesus told them they answered correctly.  In the same way I feel I have been forgiven much and for that I want to give my life back to Him in whatever way He would have me... Here I am Lord.