Red hands

Okay I really wish this song did not have the "d" word in it... other than that this song has resonated in my soul a bit.... sadly

enough said.

The Irony of life...

How many times have you heard me cry out 
"God please take this"? 
How many times have you given me strength 
to Just keep breathing? Oh I need you
God, I need you now. -Plumb

So my last post was titles "Where Past  and Present Collide"....  Little did I know given some time They were actually about to collide with the force of an avalanche tornado hurricane typhoon rocks slide volcano INFERNO?     yea whatever word best describes i dont know.... but the results of this are in some ways devastating and maybe redeeming? It is extremely hard to explain and even harder to understand. I woke up one day received a call sat at a coffee shop then resumed my day as if nothing happened all the while thinking ooh its okay it was another one of those bad dreams....    Have you ever had a dream so real that when you wake up you are still scared still convinced it was happening?  I get those a lot and so I summed it up to that..... but somewhere deep down in my core I knew this was the other way around.... It was so unreal to me I assumed it was a dream.. but its not  and its happening now.  How can Hero's die so easily? It's not supposed to be this way....

and so I'm left to cry out... God I need you now

Where past and present collide

Do you ever have those moments maybe its just nostalgia that somehow gets triggered but instead of good memories it brings up those things you have tried so hard to forget? I had one of those the other day and sometimes it seems like I just can't shake it the memories wont leave me be. The past is past people say you can't change it so why let it haunt you anymore. But how easy that is to say when you're not the person with the guilt over shadowing your every breath. Sometimes it can completely incapacitate me. In those moments I have to go straight to the cross. Remembering that then and there His blood was shed so that I might be forgiven. He sacrificed himself in order that I could be made righteous, holy, to be with Him forever.
Me Holy? Me Righteous? But I know myself, I say, I know how horrible I am.... yes yes that is true but He is my righteousness He is my holiness... When the Father looks down He sees Jesus' perfection in me... Nothing I could do but in His love He covers me.       Incredible... Incomprehensible... Truly Amazing grace...

Father please...
"Lead me to the cross where Your love poured out. Bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down. Rid me of myself I belong to You. Lead me, lead me to the cross... To Your heart..."

Where art thou?

Genesis 3:9 (KJV)-And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?

Ever since that first time God called out to man it has been a reoccurring theme throughout  history. If you have ever read the Bible you know this well; time and time again God cries out to man, He calls them to come as we are. He calls for forgiveness, repentance. He is the Father with his arms always open. 

Yet we are not always so responsive. 

Genesis 3:8 (KJV)-And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden.

Do you ever just wonder why? Why do we hide? Is it so hard to be exposed? It seems that it's easier for us to crawl into ourselves and hide but then in the end we are deeper in exactly what we wanted to escape in the first place. You know the saying "Rip the band aide off" I guess it's kind of like that. If we could just let God see us and not try to hide anything then He would do the redeeming work that we so long for. His light may probe us and it might be painful to be so raw/honest/vulnerable to see what we really are, but is that not for the best? How relieving it will be to fall in His loving arms despite who we are. Just to let go, to let Him take you in... You wont be disappointed.

Heart of stone and haunting eyes

Sunday. Today was the same as any other Sunday I got to sleep in for a change and rest was welcomed especially after working 13 hours on Saturday... I even had the most pleasant dreams that left me feeling so good and ready for the rainy day. I actually Love the rain! Anyhow I got ready and left for church enjoying the torrential down pour and craziness of driving through flooded areas! it was exciting I was just about to turn into my church (on time mind you! yes its rare for me) but then I saw this lady completely drenched walking by herself. I knew I had to pick her up so I turned around and drove by her but when I saw her I was a bit appalled... her pants were pulled down to where half of her butt was out and I was thinking Oh no I'm not picking up some druggy prostitute in my car ewe  I was horrified. As I drove past I could hear Jesus saying "oh okay so you would pick her up if she was decent but sense she's not  she's not worth it to you? Really???"  I thought about how Jesus stood up for the prostitute that everyone else had condemned to be stoned. He told her, "Go and sin no more"  With those thoughts in my head I pulled over and waited for her to walk up. She came I rolled my window down and she was grateful for the ride. I asked where she was headed but I think she must of been on a lot of drugs because I couldn't understand a thing she said. Finally I got a "right" out of her and then a "left"  I asked her if she knew Jesus Christ and it sounded like she knew who he was but again she spoke a lot but I couldn't figure out what she was trying to say? The smell of urine and feces overpowered the air freshener in my car. I'm not really sure that she knew where she was going we ended up in the middle of businesses and next to the train tracks...  anyhow she asked me to turnaround then instead she just got out  she thanked me i think? that's what it was?  but then she left. I can't forget her eyes. I always notice peoples eyes, i'm an eye contact kind of person but these eyes were painful to look at and scary. they literally were haunting. Ice blue with a light ring around the pupil. As I drove back to church I kept rethinking about it all and the smell was still nauseating somehow I thought it would go away but apparently my wet passenger seat soaked it in (I hope its just water?).   Before I got in church I stopped and prayed, "God please help me to love like you do"    It hit me hard.....  to think  I was going to pick some one up and then NOT pick them up just because of my OWN COMFORT?!!?  wow. "Please soften my heart of stone" Amen

Anxiety

Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength. 

How true is that? So I realized I started to write this blog last year but somehow I never got around to finishing it. It's about time riiiight?  so here it is  a bunch of cool quotes from Charles Spurgeon and  some insight from me... haha at least I hope it's "insight"!!!! 

Beware of no man more than of yourself; we carry our worst enemies within us.

(so the first quote and the second I can almost combine in the sense that I feel as though I have defeated myself when I let anxiety get the best of me. Not only do I suffer from my own fears but it also effects the people that are closest to me; which is what hurts the most. It makes me want to disappear. It's kind of like the dramatic movie scene where the guy ignores the girl and she's like, "Why are you doing this to me? I thought you loved me?!?!?!"  and then they guy says, "It's because I love you, that is why I can't be with you!" Although the girl would be more than willing to be in harms way just to be with him. Sometimes I feel like maybe people would be better off not knowing me, not having to deal with... well....  me ) 

huge sighs... moving right along, so on another note I have been challenged recently in my thinking....  basically a little pact between God and I. It is simple just that  I would remember the price He paid for me and therefore end the negative feed back that eats me alive inside of my head. Out with the bad!!!!  In with the good! and breathe!!!!   *no this is not YOGA!  :) 

God has blessed my life with random reminders in the past 3 months I have had some odd encounters that have drastically helped me with my thoughts and my relationship with God.

  

 The first being: I got hit by a car while standing/talking with a friend in the church parking lot. Odd right? out of all places lol  but in any case it reminded me of how fragile life is and how it is a gift.

The Second thing happened on the same night:  after getting hit by the car I headed back to my car with a sore wrist and this guy was walking in the same direction (I've know this guy for 4 years but i only run into him when i'm in dire need or i'm making a huge choice like going to school in Peru or things like that and he always pops in speaks words of truth and then I don't see him  for another 6-8 months?!?! its crazy  I don't even know his name? so when I saw him I knew something was up... He talked about how easy it is to let "stuff" get in the way of what God's called you to do he spoke of some mistakes he feels like he has made but is redeeming now   then he stopped and just looked at me....     and said, "You know... I think i'm supposed to tell you this: you are a light, and for some reason you don't see it. Don't forget that you are light no matter where you are..."      I was taken back, I got in my car and cried.

The third thing is this: Just last week I went to a coffee shop I was meeting up with a friend to play some music. As we were playing/talking I notice these two guys staring at me... I mean like WHOA?!!? what the heck?!! it kind of freaked me out...  while my friend took a phone call one of the guys comes up to me puts out his hand and says, " Hi, my name is Bo and God told me to tell you that you are deeply loved." after this the other guy came up to me and said, "My name is Russel and I see that when you work with children you find such joy" then Bo spoke up and said," I just get this feeling that right now you are in this place where you are being gardened, but God is preparing you for something amazing, He is going to use you."       Again taken back I told them  how amazing this was, how I had been struggling with remembering that God loves me and that I'm not a failure and that even if I was His love never fails nor changes. I told them how God had earlier reminded me about me being a Light for Him. The guys smiled we were all a little teary eyed and we talked about how we can't disappoint God He loves us and then, in the middle of this coffee shop we held hands and prayed. It was incredible I thanked God and praised him, I basked in the fact that we have such a Loving Father such an incredible Father. That day I just sat back, looked around and praised God... what great lengths He travels just to remind us that we are His.

Praise is the beauty of a Christian. What wings are to a bird, what fruit is to the tree, what the rose is to the thorn, that is praise 

to a child of God.”—1895, Sermon #2437  

falling in love

* singing with Jars of Clay right now  "I want to fall in love with You..."

   In open fields of wild flowers,

she breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses
in no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running
fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

aah if only I could fall in His arms now... and NO this is not about a guy, this is about my Savior. I remember when I first understood the meaning of grace; when it first sunk in that He has saved me, Jesus has forgiven me, and He has made me holy. It was incredible to know that he took my guilt and threw it away, nailed my sin to the cross. It has been many years since then and He has proven faithful to stand by my side through this life. But sometimes you just want to fall in love again, you know what I mean? I think that is where I'm at and its wonderful. Any relationship whether friend, family, or even spouse I think goes through this, a renewing. It's an amazing time of growth, it can be painful too. In these times you realize maybe some ways you need to change or ways you let the other down, but ultimately you strengthen that bond and it grows so much deeper. Here's to prayers of always growing deeper in love with Christ.

          - Ephesians 3:14-21a

For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory…