Fit For A King...

I a good friend of mine shared this song with me and... I don't have words for how incredible it is  so you just have to listen to it... Listen to it carefully to each word. Let it resonate in your soul.

I love the ocean. (I love a lot of things haha Mountians, Snow, CORN FIELDS! just to name a few)  but the Ocean holds a certain sense of freedom that is breath taking. It just doesn't compare to anything really...  When I was a kid I used to rush into the waves and "body surf" I thought I was pretty cool and all. My cousins and I had special moves for each wave like the "Superman" or the "Flip" haha but one of my favorites was what I called the "Rag doll". I literally would relax my body and let the wave just carry me... It would throw me around, tossed and twirled, I wouldn't even know which way was up! But I loved it. I would hold my breath *big cheeks and all; then  I would just wait. I would wait for all to be calm before I could pop back up and take a breath. Sometimes it was more like a gasp for air right before the next wave took me under!

   Sounds crazy right? yup that's me. Now I'm 24 years old. I'm still shocked that I've made it thus far... lol Anyway as I was sitting here reliving that ocean experience  remembering the weightlessness remembering the uncertainty and the rush of it all I couldn't help but relate it to how I feel right now. Life has its up and downs and there are times when you wont even know which way is up. But for as much as I feel like everything is uncertain I do know who carries me, and I do know He wont let me go. Just as the ocean surrounded me then he surrounds me now. His presence (penaii) bring the most joy the most freedom I have ever felt. And what a rush it is to live like this... (It's not always easy and I have had my share of doubts) but God has always proven faithful even when I am not. (Thank you Jesus... for everything)

When Heroes Die...

Who was your favorite Super Hero? For me... well.... really it's too hard to pick just one. As a kid a loved Bell in Beauty and the Beast because she rescued the beast and showed such compassion towards him. I suppose she wouldn't be considered a super hero though. Out of the actual "Super Heroes" Superman was pretty cool maybe a little too perfect, but in the new movies I have to say as far as heroe-ish-ness goes Captain America stole my heart, (well actually Thor did for other reasons lol) I love the part in Captain America, before he is "changed" in basic training when a grenade is thrown and he dives on top of it to save everyone else. Incredible right? Are humans actually capable of such selflessness? We hear stories of acts of heroism randomly throughout the news but somehow it seems so far away. But what if in the movies the Hero just died? What then? That would be a really crappy movie right? I mean why do we watch movies anyway? To be entertained to "feel good" mostly, sometime for other reason like to have a good cry or thrillers to get amped up but seriously what happens when heroes die?

As strange as it may sound I have been faced with this question for the last couple months. Alas the only thing I can think is that I shouldn't have made heroes in the first place. Why do we do that? Why do I do this to myself time and time again. Can't I ever remember that once upon a time I was someone's hero too, and I too let them down; I killed their hero. It is so strange; the human heart, the way we want to adore something or someone.  St. Augustine once said

"You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you."

And we know this to be true, at least those of us who have drawn near who have been filled to overflowing, yes we know it is true. So then why do I find myself in this place once again? I want You God to fill this hole and for the sake of all, for the sake of Your glory, I pray, I beg You do. I need you more than words can say. My heart is broken it has been shattered to pieces and I don't know how to pick them all up. I give them to you All of them once again.

"What are you to me? Have mercy on me, so that I may tell.  What indeed am I to you, that you should command me to love you, and grow angry with me if I do not, and threaten me with enormous woes? Is not the failure to love you woe enough in itself? Alas for me! Through your own merciful dealings with me, O Lord my God, tell me what you are to me. Say to my soul, I am your salvation. Say it so that I can hear it. My heart is listening, Lord; open the ears of my heart and say to my soul, I am your salvation. Let me run towards this voice and seize hold of you. Do not hide your face from me: let me die so that I may see it, for not to see it would be death to me indeed."- St. Augustine

Only God

(hiking back from Almere Falls)

I've been wanting to write in here forever... But every time I try to I just can't articulate what I want to say. It is so extremely frustrating! So I have decided to just write anyway and well if it works you will read it haha and if not it will be in my drafts...

 The last time I wrote I basically let ya'll know I was in a place where all I could do was cry out "God please take this, I need You now." I cried out that and I meant it with the very fiber of my being. And He answered.

I've heard it said that when you hit rock bottom there's no where else to go but UP!  I rather like that... Someone else recently told me, "People say the grass is always greener on the other side, but I say, 'The Grass is greener where you water it.'"  AMEN! How true... You are stuck in a set of circumstance, You cant really do anything about that... but it's what you do with what you are given that matters.

It has been a hard month but at the same time it has been such a blessed time. God worked through a mess in a way that only He could and brought redemption out of it. On top of that I was given an opportunity to serve him that rocked me to the core. I feel so undeserving and I'm so excited! I am going to back to Peru, back to Cajamarca for a year as an Intern for Calvary Chapel Bible College. I have never been so excited. I can't wait to see all that God does through this.  And as I said already I feel so undeserving its unbelievable but its so God and again  I say....  Only God....    Only God would have grace like, that mercy like that to forgive a messed up child and then plop an extraordinary gift right in their lap. He alone is good. Now where do I go from here? Well Jesus once told a parable about  a couple people who were forgiven debts one was a small debt the other was huge but both were equally forgiven. Then he asked the crowd which person do you think is more thankful? Of course the crowd answered, "the one who was forgiven most" Jesus told them they answered correctly.  In the same way I feel I have been forgiven much and for that I want to give my life back to Him in whatever way He would have me... Here I am Lord.

Red hands

Okay I really wish this song did not have the "d" word in it... other than that this song has resonated in my soul a bit.... sadly

enough said.

The Irony of life...

How many times have you heard me cry out 
"God please take this"? 
How many times have you given me strength 
to Just keep breathing? Oh I need you
God, I need you now. -Plumb

So my last post was titles "Where Past  and Present Collide"....  Little did I know given some time They were actually about to collide with the force of an avalanche tornado hurricane typhoon rocks slide volcano INFERNO?     yea whatever word best describes i dont know.... but the results of this are in some ways devastating and maybe redeeming? It is extremely hard to explain and even harder to understand. I woke up one day received a call sat at a coffee shop then resumed my day as if nothing happened all the while thinking ooh its okay it was another one of those bad dreams....    Have you ever had a dream so real that when you wake up you are still scared still convinced it was happening?  I get those a lot and so I summed it up to that..... but somewhere deep down in my core I knew this was the other way around.... It was so unreal to me I assumed it was a dream.. but its not  and its happening now.  How can Hero's die so easily? It's not supposed to be this way....

and so I'm left to cry out... God I need you now

Where past and present collide

Do you ever have those moments maybe its just nostalgia that somehow gets triggered but instead of good memories it brings up those things you have tried so hard to forget? I had one of those the other day and sometimes it seems like I just can't shake it the memories wont leave me be. The past is past people say you can't change it so why let it haunt you anymore. But how easy that is to say when you're not the person with the guilt over shadowing your every breath. Sometimes it can completely incapacitate me. In those moments I have to go straight to the cross. Remembering that then and there His blood was shed so that I might be forgiven. He sacrificed himself in order that I could be made righteous, holy, to be with Him forever.
Me Holy? Me Righteous? But I know myself, I say, I know how horrible I am.... yes yes that is true but He is my righteousness He is my holiness... When the Father looks down He sees Jesus' perfection in me... Nothing I could do but in His love He covers me.       Incredible... Incomprehensible... Truly Amazing grace...

Father please...
"Lead me to the cross where Your love poured out. Bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down. Rid me of myself I belong to You. Lead me, lead me to the cross... To Your heart..."

Where art thou?

Genesis 3:9 (KJV)-And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?

Ever since that first time God called out to man it has been a reoccurring theme throughout  history. If you have ever read the Bible you know this well; time and time again God cries out to man, He calls them to come as we are. He calls for forgiveness, repentance. He is the Father with his arms always open. 

Yet we are not always so responsive. 

Genesis 3:8 (KJV)-And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden.

Do you ever just wonder why? Why do we hide? Is it so hard to be exposed? It seems that it's easier for us to crawl into ourselves and hide but then in the end we are deeper in exactly what we wanted to escape in the first place. You know the saying "Rip the band aide off" I guess it's kind of like that. If we could just let God see us and not try to hide anything then He would do the redeeming work that we so long for. His light may probe us and it might be painful to be so raw/honest/vulnerable to see what we really are, but is that not for the best? How relieving it will be to fall in His loving arms despite who we are. Just to let go, to let Him take you in... You wont be disappointed.