Where art thou?

Genesis 3:9 (KJV)-And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?

Ever since that first time God called out to man it has been a reoccurring theme throughout  history. If you have ever read the Bible you know this well; time and time again God cries out to man, He calls them to come as we are. He calls for forgiveness, repentance. He is the Father with his arms always open. 

Yet we are not always so responsive. 

Genesis 3:8 (KJV)-And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden.

Do you ever just wonder why? Why do we hide? Is it so hard to be exposed? It seems that it's easier for us to crawl into ourselves and hide but then in the end we are deeper in exactly what we wanted to escape in the first place. You know the saying "Rip the band aide off" I guess it's kind of like that. If we could just let God see us and not try to hide anything then He would do the redeeming work that we so long for. His light may probe us and it might be painful to be so raw/honest/vulnerable to see what we really are, but is that not for the best? How relieving it will be to fall in His loving arms despite who we are. Just to let go, to let Him take you in... You wont be disappointed.

Heart of stone and haunting eyes

Sunday. Today was the same as any other Sunday I got to sleep in for a change and rest was welcomed especially after working 13 hours on Saturday... I even had the most pleasant dreams that left me feeling so good and ready for the rainy day. I actually Love the rain! Anyhow I got ready and left for church enjoying the torrential down pour and craziness of driving through flooded areas! it was exciting I was just about to turn into my church (on time mind you! yes its rare for me) but then I saw this lady completely drenched walking by herself. I knew I had to pick her up so I turned around and drove by her but when I saw her I was a bit appalled... her pants were pulled down to where half of her butt was out and I was thinking Oh no I'm not picking up some druggy prostitute in my car ewe  I was horrified. As I drove past I could hear Jesus saying "oh okay so you would pick her up if she was decent but sense she's not  she's not worth it to you? Really???"  I thought about how Jesus stood up for the prostitute that everyone else had condemned to be stoned. He told her, "Go and sin no more"  With those thoughts in my head I pulled over and waited for her to walk up. She came I rolled my window down and she was grateful for the ride. I asked where she was headed but I think she must of been on a lot of drugs because I couldn't understand a thing she said. Finally I got a "right" out of her and then a "left"  I asked her if she knew Jesus Christ and it sounded like she knew who he was but again she spoke a lot but I couldn't figure out what she was trying to say? The smell of urine and feces overpowered the air freshener in my car. I'm not really sure that she knew where she was going we ended up in the middle of businesses and next to the train tracks...  anyhow she asked me to turnaround then instead she just got out  she thanked me i think? that's what it was?  but then she left. I can't forget her eyes. I always notice peoples eyes, i'm an eye contact kind of person but these eyes were painful to look at and scary. they literally were haunting. Ice blue with a light ring around the pupil. As I drove back to church I kept rethinking about it all and the smell was still nauseating somehow I thought it would go away but apparently my wet passenger seat soaked it in (I hope its just water?).   Before I got in church I stopped and prayed, "God please help me to love like you do"    It hit me hard.....  to think  I was going to pick some one up and then NOT pick them up just because of my OWN COMFORT?!!?  wow. "Please soften my heart of stone" Amen

Anxiety

Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows, but only empties today of its strength. 

How true is that? So I realized I started to write this blog last year but somehow I never got around to finishing it. It's about time riiiight?  so here it is  a bunch of cool quotes from Charles Spurgeon and  some insight from me... haha at least I hope it's "insight"!!!! 

Beware of no man more than of yourself; we carry our worst enemies within us.

(so the first quote and the second I can almost combine in the sense that I feel as though I have defeated myself when I let anxiety get the best of me. Not only do I suffer from my own fears but it also effects the people that are closest to me; which is what hurts the most. It makes me want to disappear. It's kind of like the dramatic movie scene where the guy ignores the girl and she's like, "Why are you doing this to me? I thought you loved me?!?!?!"  and then they guy says, "It's because I love you, that is why I can't be with you!" Although the girl would be more than willing to be in harms way just to be with him. Sometimes I feel like maybe people would be better off not knowing me, not having to deal with... well....  me ) 

huge sighs... moving right along, so on another note I have been challenged recently in my thinking....  basically a little pact between God and I. It is simple just that  I would remember the price He paid for me and therefore end the negative feed back that eats me alive inside of my head. Out with the bad!!!!  In with the good! and breathe!!!!   *no this is not YOGA!  :) 

God has blessed my life with random reminders in the past 3 months I have had some odd encounters that have drastically helped me with my thoughts and my relationship with God.

  

 The first being: I got hit by a car while standing/talking with a friend in the church parking lot. Odd right? out of all places lol  but in any case it reminded me of how fragile life is and how it is a gift.

The Second thing happened on the same night:  after getting hit by the car I headed back to my car with a sore wrist and this guy was walking in the same direction (I've know this guy for 4 years but i only run into him when i'm in dire need or i'm making a huge choice like going to school in Peru or things like that and he always pops in speaks words of truth and then I don't see him  for another 6-8 months?!?! its crazy  I don't even know his name? so when I saw him I knew something was up... He talked about how easy it is to let "stuff" get in the way of what God's called you to do he spoke of some mistakes he feels like he has made but is redeeming now   then he stopped and just looked at me....     and said, "You know... I think i'm supposed to tell you this: you are a light, and for some reason you don't see it. Don't forget that you are light no matter where you are..."      I was taken back, I got in my car and cried.

The third thing is this: Just last week I went to a coffee shop I was meeting up with a friend to play some music. As we were playing/talking I notice these two guys staring at me... I mean like WHOA?!!? what the heck?!! it kind of freaked me out...  while my friend took a phone call one of the guys comes up to me puts out his hand and says, " Hi, my name is Bo and God told me to tell you that you are deeply loved." after this the other guy came up to me and said, "My name is Russel and I see that when you work with children you find such joy" then Bo spoke up and said," I just get this feeling that right now you are in this place where you are being gardened, but God is preparing you for something amazing, He is going to use you."       Again taken back I told them  how amazing this was, how I had been struggling with remembering that God loves me and that I'm not a failure and that even if I was His love never fails nor changes. I told them how God had earlier reminded me about me being a Light for Him. The guys smiled we were all a little teary eyed and we talked about how we can't disappoint God He loves us and then, in the middle of this coffee shop we held hands and prayed. It was incredible I thanked God and praised him, I basked in the fact that we have such a Loving Father such an incredible Father. That day I just sat back, looked around and praised God... what great lengths He travels just to remind us that we are His.

Praise is the beauty of a Christian. What wings are to a bird, what fruit is to the tree, what the rose is to the thorn, that is praise 

to a child of God.”—1895, Sermon #2437  

falling in love

* singing with Jars of Clay right now  "I want to fall in love with You..."

   In open fields of wild flowers,

she breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses
in no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running
fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

aah if only I could fall in His arms now... and NO this is not about a guy, this is about my Savior. I remember when I first understood the meaning of grace; when it first sunk in that He has saved me, Jesus has forgiven me, and He has made me holy. It was incredible to know that he took my guilt and threw it away, nailed my sin to the cross. It has been many years since then and He has proven faithful to stand by my side through this life. But sometimes you just want to fall in love again, you know what I mean? I think that is where I'm at and its wonderful. Any relationship whether friend, family, or even spouse I think goes through this, a renewing. It's an amazing time of growth, it can be painful too. In these times you realize maybe some ways you need to change or ways you let the other down, but ultimately you strengthen that bond and it grows so much deeper. Here's to prayers of always growing deeper in love with Christ.

          - Ephesians 3:14-21a

For this reason I kneel before the Father, 15 from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory…

Interesting post.

This message is adapted from "Following the Mystics through the Narrow Gate" not something I wrote! but I did enjoy, even the Bible speaks of the importance of self-evaluation. 

The German Jesuit, Karl Rahner, said something like this (although his German is hard to translate): “The infinite mystery that you are to yourself and the infinite mystery that God is in God’s self proceed forward together as one.” In simple English, as you uncover God’s loving truth, you uncover your own, and as you uncover your own truth, you fall deeper into God’s mercy and love. I’ve certainly seen this in my own little journey. When I come to a breakthrough in my own shadow work, my own sinfulness, my own self-knowledge, or in wonder at my own soul, it invariably feeds and invites the other side, and I want to go deeper with God.

In the same way, when my heart opens up in a new recognition of the nature of God, it always invites me into deeper and daring honesty, deeper self-surrender, deeper shadow work with my own illusions and my own pretensions. The two will always feed one another, and that’s why people who go deeper with God invariably have a very honest evaluation of themselves. They are never proud people. They can’t be, because the closer you get to the Light, the more you see your own darkness. And the closer you get to your own ordinariness (which sometimes includes darkness), the more you know you need the Light.

barely

Well this last week has been a hard one. My Grandpa passed away on friday and the hardest part was not him leaving us it was watching him suffer the way he did. In order to understand a bit well I want to tell you about my Grandpa. Everyone knows him as Jay but his real name is Lloyd. If you ever had anything that needed fixing well just say the word and he would be working on it. It didn't matter how hard the job or how hot the day he would be out there working his tail off just to get it done. He was so strong! I tried racing him once when  I was around 10 and well he beat me! he was around 70... Yea, that's just who he was, so competitive!!! I remember one time being in his truck at a stoplight and some punk teenagers were giving him a hard time... Im pretty sure they were just as shocked as I was when we floored it off the line and left them in the dust haha! He was always up for a challenge. He had dealt with cancer before but this time it was different he was older and it came back with vengeance. People can speculate as much as they want as to why bad things happen to good people but I know as long as we are on this side of heaven none of us our exempt from the fall; (sin/sickness/death) *check the 3rd chapter of Genesis for more info. which has corrupted the world.

Moving on.... so now its been 2 weeks since his "homecoming to be with Jesus" we had a nice ceremony for him with our family and even the Navy gave him a flag ceremony. Really everything was beautiful and I couldn't be happier with how it all went; I mean I got to tell him I loved him and he told me he loved me before he went. But somehow... now, life just seems so weird. I don't know what to do with myself and I don't know why? I seem to be constantly reminding myself of what it is I'm doing, of my plan for life, and why. (as if i actually had a plan! LOL) Maybe I'm just floating through space until its my turn to go? But interestingly enough that's where I'm at and this song has really hit home, I love how it says, "In the pain is there healing? In Your name, I find meaning, so I'm hanging on....."
so there you have it update on my insanity... :)

Times

well, it has been a while since i've posted in here... time has been insane. so fast! but through everything Christ is faithful. His peace beyond understanding reigns true always... Did you know that?    yea its true. through life through death through [all] his peace is amazing and is readily available to all who ask for it (More on this subject later)


The other day I was talking with someone and they said, "If I had a hobby like painting or hiking, or like you; Jesus...."   I had to smile to myself because I've never heard of anyone calling my faith a hobby but at the same time I was so glad that they referred to the thing I spend time doing the thing that is the very essence of my life as being Jesus, my faith my Love.... I pray that is always how people see me.
I think of Time a lot like a river. Last month I got to enjoy Kayaking down the American river with my best friend. It was so much fun to just see what was around the bend. There were parts with rapids  but there were also slow sections where you could just relax. For those of you who know me; you know I don't really "just relax" much. But, I feel I am in this awkward stage of waiting, of being patient, and resting in the Lord. Sometimes I'm here kicking and screaming, other times just simply resting in His arms. Something God has really been teaching me is that I need to trust Him. (sounds so simple and so basic) I have always trusted Him with the big things and easily trusted Him with others but what about trusting Him in how tomorrow will turn out?  What about trusting Him in the work he is doing In my own heart? What if how I thought things would turn out is not how He wants them to turn out?  Do I have that confident expectation in Him that everything will happen just how it should?  He has spoken to me loud and clear that I need to draw close to Him. So here I am I've been a follower of Christ for over 15 years and the simplest thing is what I need to do, that is draw close to the Lord, to remember my first love. Beginning with Prayer. I've decided that being alone with Him, clearing my mind, and truly pouring my heart to Christ and Christ alone is vital. It's amazing and horrible how easy it is to fall away from that. Our culture is so busy, is so filled with conversation that finding time away from it all is much harder than expected. But I promise you it is so worth it! You will not be disappointed...

through and through

How good it is to be known through and through. Deep inside of my core being there is a burning desire to  be known. It's something I can only attempt to explain...  The book the The People Code by Dr. Taylor Hartman scratches the surface when he talks about the motivation behind peoples actions. According to his book my personality type is the color Blue and blue's motivation comes from relationships, which makes perfect sense to me. My whole life has been marked by people. *everyone's life is marked by people  But what I mean is every huge turning point in my life, every deep hurt/failure, every triumph, and every memory is wrapped up in a different person that touched my life. This also explains how when I am hurt by someone I carry it with me, its not just a memory to me, it is that person, their face, their words, even their smell... it is everything they are that hurt me. I know that Jesus Christ has forgiven me therefore I forgive others. I do forgive them but the after thoughts are painfully hard to deal with. However when that person makes it clear that they want to set things right I can instantly dismiss anything of the past; no matter how painful it was because once again I am wrapped up in what they said, their face, their countenance, and that is enough for me. Then my memory of them is on the fact that they patched things up and I hold them in  high regard.

It is a strange thing to live like this.... Just recently I had an awesome opportunity to talk with one of my dear friends on this very subject. She is the kind who knows my heart so very well, as I like to say she knows me through and through... The best part is it is a mutual feeling. When we talk it is refreshing, it is safe, and one can just breathe and know its okay. Some times it seems like she knows exactly what I need to hear and she actually says it!  Anyhow we both reminisced about past times and how sometimes when we miss it all so much, when we miss each other so much it brings "pangs"  definition being: emotional pain that you can actually feel. You see we live far apart now and our lives our going in different directions. But somehow we still carry this connection that I know is only a God thing. It is as if nothing else matters because our friendship still remains. We both know that if anything happened one would drop everything in a heartbeat to be there for the other and visa versa. It is incredible; truly. I could not be more thankful for the joy that it brings. I know it is a gift from my Heavenly Father. He knew I couldn't make it through this life without *and i'm being dead serious when I say that... Thank you Jesus

Saved from... Saved to...

Do you remember when you first gave your life to the Lord? Or maybe you grew up in a Christian family and God has just kinda always been there in your life... Even then do you remember when you made the decision to follow Christ? Do you remember the moment you understood what grace truly is? or what it felt like to be forgiven and free?
 I love thinking about things. In John chapter 8 Jesus says, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples.Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." 

He has set us free. Free from guilt and condemnation, free from worrying about this life (although often times we still do for lack of faith) But don't you ever wonder, "Why me?" Out of all the people in the world He chose me? I know who I am, I know myself quite well. Sometimes, I wish I didn't because more times than not I don't like what I see. In Ephesians chapter 1 Paul explains more "For he (God) chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will..."

If God is omniscient, (all knowing) then HE knew exactly who you would turn out to be, your failures, your success, and your dreams. And it was His pleasure to choose YOU.  If God knew you wouldn't succeed at life do you think he would of chosen you? I like to say that God doesn't choose losers. If you were all knowing and went to a horse race which horse would you bet on?  That's right, the winner. So Christian whoever you are, where ever you are, know this God chose you! Yes even YOU! And He chose you knowing that by His grace by Jesus' blood on the cross you would be his faithful servant holy and blameless in His sight forever more.
So going back to the top remember the moment you knew you were saved remember all that you were saved from? God didn't save you so that you could go on and live your life as if nothing happened. It is not a free pass to escape hell. You were saved from (fill in the blank) and you were saved to (now here's the part where only you and God can fill in the blank). What are you saved to?

Mirrors.

I came across this song a year ago or so and it always speaks deep to me. You can look up the words or just listen closely. Another song that speaks what I feel so well right now is by Blindside, its called Silence. "I believe in silence our hearts speak loud" That's the jist of the song... and yea I guess you could say that's where I am at.  More silent than I have ever been... so naturally that's kinda why i'm writing in here (I can't be silent for too long lol it's just not me) So last night among other things a deep heaviness/aching hole ripped apart my heart  that was fun I tried to go to bed but failed so I just turned on my side and with out even trying the tears just flowed I didnt even cry (or well you know what i mean? like I wasn't crying physically nothing but my eyes just flowed) It was so strange but somehow relieving. then  today I took care of a 92 year old woman (Im her in home care provider part time) I was hoping today would be a good day so I took her to the library *which on a normal day she would enjoy  but this time she freaked!   did  I mention she has dementia and Alzheimer s? well she does and its getting really bad so she looked at me big blue shining eyes and she asks, "where are the others?"  I explain that its just us and the other people she lives with our at home she then accuses me of leaving them. then she goes into panic and begins sobbing saying that she is all alone and her friends have left her. I tried to reassure her with all my ability (mind you this whole scene went down in the Library.... not awkward at all) Finally we get outside headed to the car but she stops in the middle of the road and accuses me again and refuses to walk. I patiently talk her into walking out of the road then we near the car and the sobbing starts up again.. full tears full sadness she says, "I just don't know, I don't know anything, what am I supposed to do? Where are we? Where am I going?" If you don't know me; well I am a very... I don't know what the word is but I feel what others feel intensely. So at this point my heart was breaking for her. Finally we headed home  (with some more anger/sobbing and in general total confusion) I got her some dinner which totally helped and then well then she fell asleep sitting up. I'm assuming the emotional stress was too much for her and she was so tired. Have you ever done that just cried so much you end up asleep and don't even realize it? I know I have....
 well okay so here I am sitting on the floor of my room typing this feeling like I got a black hole inside of me... feeling all alone, wondering if my friends are still there, thinking to myself "I just don't know... I dont know anything, where am I? ( I know I'm in the US i know I'm in California but where am I with God?) What am I supposed to do? and WHERE AM I GOING?!?!  So there you have it... Today I realized something...  when I saw her crying, when I saw her confused, angry, scared, and hurt I was seeing myself.

Recap part 1

Okay so it is officially time for the run down.... a.k.a. the RECAP!  here we go its gonna be a marathon you ready for it? LOL j/k  its a SPRINT for sure! unless you use Verizon of course but i think at&t is pretty awesome.. whoa just got off topic my bad.... okay  here we go!
From August to December I spent my time living in Peru, in the city of Cajamarca (the Andes mountains) It was absolutely wonderful and beautiful! I finished my last semester of Bible college and graduated!  now for the fun to began..... So during our last week in Cajamarca (which was thanksgiving week) a political unrest emerged that we kind of got ourselves into without even trying....  You see; there is an American mining company in Cajamarca that received the A-okay by the Peruvian government to blow up the cities source of freshwater.  Naturally Cajamarca being an agricultural city became furious and the locals would not have it so they went on strike.

 

All of us Bible college students were stuck. The People of Cajamarca blocked the main road of transportation and even the airport was closed. It was recorded that for each day of the strike the city lost 10 million dollars. There was no import and no export, no one knew when or if the strike would end. There was rumors of the electricity and the water being shut off, and on top of that we were not sure how we would get enough food to feed all 25 of us students. It was so incredible because as a child I have always prayed for a chance to trust God even with the very food I ate but it seemed like in America I would never be in a situation like that. God provided that opportunity for me to trust Him and not only that but he provided for all of our physical needs. It was really a spiritual journey as weird as that sounds. I think God spoke more to me through that week of being stuck than in that whole year of my life. I am so blessed. Anyway moving on so we were stuck and did I mention this week was supposed to be our missions trip week?  The original plan was after thanksgiving we would all take a 17 hour bus ride back to Lima and we would join on the ministries teams there and then we would all fly back to our countries whether it was the States, Belize, Columbia, or Israel... so instead  we were all staying inside just playing games and listening to the constant helicopters flying back and forth. 

WAKE UP CALL

When Sunday came around we were not aloud to go to church because of the roads being closed so we had our own service inside our swimming pool (there was no water in it!)  It was a really good time and then one of my good friends Victor came up front to tell us something that God had laid on his heart. The crazy thing is, is that God had laid it on all of our hearts but no know had the guts to do anything about it until Victor stood up. He basically asked us, "What are you doing here?" If you have never asked yourself that well DO it! He went on to remind us that this is our mission week and we are sitting around doing nothing just enjoying ourselves while outside there are people getting hurt, dying, and going to hell. Maybe they don't like Americans right now but if you are a Christian then it doesn't matter if they kill you; you know where you are going. Why are you afraid?

 Let me tell you... it was intense, and God spoke to each and everyone of our hearts in that moment. The outcome was just as amazing I will share that on  Recap part 2 thanks for reading.

Hope saved me...

Modern Definition: A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.
Biblical Definition: A strong and confident expectation.

In the Bible, hope is never a static or passive thing. It is dynamic, active, directive and life sustaining. This is everywhere obvious as we read the Word. Take a concordance, look up the word “hope” and you will find reference after reference pointing out the active results of hope in the lives of those who truly have a biblical hope and live accordingly. In other words, a biblical hope is not an escape from reality or from problems. It doesn't leave us idle, drifting or just rocking on the front porch. If our hope is biblical and based on God's promises, it will put us in gear. -http://bible.org/article/hope /

When you feel hope bubbling in and through you it is a wonderful thing. I don't think words can describe the sensations it brings. It is much like when you stand under a waterfall for the first time, or see a star go shooting across the sky, or maybe like seeing a Rainbow appear on the stormy grey skies. The contrast is the most astounding thing. What once was utter darkness now breaks forth to light. If that is not incredible then I don't know what is. 

Hope saved me, it keeps me going; it is not hope in and of itself, as if hope is personified, but it is in who I place my hope that saves me and there is only one who can do that,  and He is the Lord, Jesus Christ.

Life

Alright... so its been a while since I have written in here... Mostly because there is just to much to say to cover all that has happened in the past month or two... but then again if I am honest with myself it is; I guess it really comes down to the fact that with everything being crazy and so many thoughts in my head I don't really want anyone to know whats going on inside. Believe it or not I can be a real introvert when no one is there to ask me what going on. Its pretty bizarre... Since I've been home from Peru my heart has been in utter turmoil. I cant even explain it really. It is frustrating, confusing, and I don't know what i should do. Everyone has different ideas but what does God want me to do? Honestly i don't need anyone to say go here or go there or do this i just want someone to listen, to not get angry, to not dismiss my ideas as if i was an idealist or crazy. My thoughts might seem crazy to others and maybe no one could ever live like that but God has given me a wild heart that well just isn't  like most people.  haha  unfortunately as wild as it is its also incredibly fragile which absolutely makes no sense.... If there was one thing i could change about myself it would be to get a thicker skin haha to not care about what people think of me... that would be nice for a change. Anyway, that felt good to get that out there...  so  for the next couple weeks im going to catch you up on all that has happened from getting stuck in Peru because of the Protests, getting rescued by the US Embassy, flights cancelled  flying to NY instead of Sacramento and Driving from NY to WA and then to CA, Christmas, Fort Bragg, and everything in between.....  after that haha then i shall move on to what in the world i'm going to do now... that will be the fun part... (good thing i got a ways to go before i get to writing about that because as of now I DONT KNOW!!!!!   LOL that's the best part about my life i never know!)  smiles yea  i like it that way... life would be too boring otherwise.. okay well i shall talk to you all later. Have a wonderful day and don't forget that God holds you in His hands and He not only knows whats best for you but He is working out the best for you even as we speak as you live day to day... He loves you.