Mirrors.

I came across this song a year ago or so and it always speaks deep to me. You can look up the words or just listen closely. Another song that speaks what I feel so well right now is by Blindside, its called Silence. "I believe in silence our hearts speak loud" That's the jist of the song... and yea I guess you could say that's where I am at.  More silent than I have ever been... so naturally that's kinda why i'm writing in here (I can't be silent for too long lol it's just not me) So last night among other things a deep heaviness/aching hole ripped apart my heart  that was fun I tried to go to bed but failed so I just turned on my side and with out even trying the tears just flowed I didnt even cry (or well you know what i mean? like I wasn't crying physically nothing but my eyes just flowed) It was so strange but somehow relieving. then  today I took care of a 92 year old woman (Im her in home care provider part time) I was hoping today would be a good day so I took her to the library *which on a normal day she would enjoy  but this time she freaked!   did  I mention she has dementia and Alzheimer s? well she does and its getting really bad so she looked at me big blue shining eyes and she asks, "where are the others?"  I explain that its just us and the other people she lives with our at home she then accuses me of leaving them. then she goes into panic and begins sobbing saying that she is all alone and her friends have left her. I tried to reassure her with all my ability (mind you this whole scene went down in the Library.... not awkward at all) Finally we get outside headed to the car but she stops in the middle of the road and accuses me again and refuses to walk. I patiently talk her into walking out of the road then we near the car and the sobbing starts up again.. full tears full sadness she says, "I just don't know, I don't know anything, what am I supposed to do? Where are we? Where am I going?" If you don't know me; well I am a very... I don't know what the word is but I feel what others feel intensely. So at this point my heart was breaking for her. Finally we headed home  (with some more anger/sobbing and in general total confusion) I got her some dinner which totally helped and then well then she fell asleep sitting up. I'm assuming the emotional stress was too much for her and she was so tired. Have you ever done that just cried so much you end up asleep and don't even realize it? I know I have....
 well okay so here I am sitting on the floor of my room typing this feeling like I got a black hole inside of me... feeling all alone, wondering if my friends are still there, thinking to myself "I just don't know... I dont know anything, where am I? ( I know I'm in the US i know I'm in California but where am I with God?) What am I supposed to do? and WHERE AM I GOING?!?!  So there you have it... Today I realized something...  when I saw her crying, when I saw her confused, angry, scared, and hurt I was seeing myself.

Recap part 1

Okay so it is officially time for the run down.... a.k.a. the RECAP!  here we go its gonna be a marathon you ready for it? LOL j/k  its a SPRINT for sure! unless you use Verizon of course but i think at&t is pretty awesome.. whoa just got off topic my bad.... okay  here we go!
From August to December I spent my time living in Peru, in the city of Cajamarca (the Andes mountains) It was absolutely wonderful and beautiful! I finished my last semester of Bible college and graduated!  now for the fun to began..... So during our last week in Cajamarca (which was thanksgiving week) a political unrest emerged that we kind of got ourselves into without even trying....  You see; there is an American mining company in Cajamarca that received the A-okay by the Peruvian government to blow up the cities source of freshwater.  Naturally Cajamarca being an agricultural city became furious and the locals would not have it so they went on strike.

 

All of us Bible college students were stuck. The People of Cajamarca blocked the main road of transportation and even the airport was closed. It was recorded that for each day of the strike the city lost 10 million dollars. There was no import and no export, no one knew when or if the strike would end. There was rumors of the electricity and the water being shut off, and on top of that we were not sure how we would get enough food to feed all 25 of us students. It was so incredible because as a child I have always prayed for a chance to trust God even with the very food I ate but it seemed like in America I would never be in a situation like that. God provided that opportunity for me to trust Him and not only that but he provided for all of our physical needs. It was really a spiritual journey as weird as that sounds. I think God spoke more to me through that week of being stuck than in that whole year of my life. I am so blessed. Anyway moving on so we were stuck and did I mention this week was supposed to be our missions trip week?  The original plan was after thanksgiving we would all take a 17 hour bus ride back to Lima and we would join on the ministries teams there and then we would all fly back to our countries whether it was the States, Belize, Columbia, or Israel... so instead  we were all staying inside just playing games and listening to the constant helicopters flying back and forth. 

WAKE UP CALL

When Sunday came around we were not aloud to go to church because of the roads being closed so we had our own service inside our swimming pool (there was no water in it!)  It was a really good time and then one of my good friends Victor came up front to tell us something that God had laid on his heart. The crazy thing is, is that God had laid it on all of our hearts but no know had the guts to do anything about it until Victor stood up. He basically asked us, "What are you doing here?" If you have never asked yourself that well DO it! He went on to remind us that this is our mission week and we are sitting around doing nothing just enjoying ourselves while outside there are people getting hurt, dying, and going to hell. Maybe they don't like Americans right now but if you are a Christian then it doesn't matter if they kill you; you know where you are going. Why are you afraid?

 Let me tell you... it was intense, and God spoke to each and everyone of our hearts in that moment. The outcome was just as amazing I will share that on  Recap part 2 thanks for reading.

Hope saved me...

Modern Definition: A feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.
Biblical Definition: A strong and confident expectation.

In the Bible, hope is never a static or passive thing. It is dynamic, active, directive and life sustaining. This is everywhere obvious as we read the Word. Take a concordance, look up the word “hope” and you will find reference after reference pointing out the active results of hope in the lives of those who truly have a biblical hope and live accordingly. In other words, a biblical hope is not an escape from reality or from problems. It doesn't leave us idle, drifting or just rocking on the front porch. If our hope is biblical and based on God's promises, it will put us in gear. -http://bible.org/article/hope /

When you feel hope bubbling in and through you it is a wonderful thing. I don't think words can describe the sensations it brings. It is much like when you stand under a waterfall for the first time, or see a star go shooting across the sky, or maybe like seeing a Rainbow appear on the stormy grey skies. The contrast is the most astounding thing. What once was utter darkness now breaks forth to light. If that is not incredible then I don't know what is. 

Hope saved me, it keeps me going; it is not hope in and of itself, as if hope is personified, but it is in who I place my hope that saves me and there is only one who can do that,  and He is the Lord, Jesus Christ.

Life

Alright... so its been a while since I have written in here... Mostly because there is just to much to say to cover all that has happened in the past month or two... but then again if I am honest with myself it is; I guess it really comes down to the fact that with everything being crazy and so many thoughts in my head I don't really want anyone to know whats going on inside. Believe it or not I can be a real introvert when no one is there to ask me what going on. Its pretty bizarre... Since I've been home from Peru my heart has been in utter turmoil. I cant even explain it really. It is frustrating, confusing, and I don't know what i should do. Everyone has different ideas but what does God want me to do? Honestly i don't need anyone to say go here or go there or do this i just want someone to listen, to not get angry, to not dismiss my ideas as if i was an idealist or crazy. My thoughts might seem crazy to others and maybe no one could ever live like that but God has given me a wild heart that well just isn't  like most people.  haha  unfortunately as wild as it is its also incredibly fragile which absolutely makes no sense.... If there was one thing i could change about myself it would be to get a thicker skin haha to not care about what people think of me... that would be nice for a change. Anyway, that felt good to get that out there...  so  for the next couple weeks im going to catch you up on all that has happened from getting stuck in Peru because of the Protests, getting rescued by the US Embassy, flights cancelled  flying to NY instead of Sacramento and Driving from NY to WA and then to CA, Christmas, Fort Bragg, and everything in between.....  after that haha then i shall move on to what in the world i'm going to do now... that will be the fun part... (good thing i got a ways to go before i get to writing about that because as of now I DONT KNOW!!!!!   LOL that's the best part about my life i never know!)  smiles yea  i like it that way... life would be too boring otherwise.. okay well i shall talk to you all later. Have a wonderful day and don't forget that God holds you in His hands and He not only knows whats best for you but He is working out the best for you even as we speak as you live day to day... He loves you.