hmmm.

faithNoun/fāTH/

1. Complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

2. Strong belief in God or in the doctrines of a religion, based on spiritual apprehension rather than proof

In the Bible it always talks about having faith like a child right? But although I do feel like a child most of the time I realize that my faith is strong for everything else but myself. I can have faith for my friends because I know God will work things out for them. But when it comes to the work He is doing in my heart all I can see is my failures. Is God not bigger than my shortcomings? Is his grace only sufficient for others? I know He is the almighty one He can do anything.... But nothing will happen if I don't have faith. Think about the story of the woman in Mathew 9:20-22

Just then a woman who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years came up behind him and touched the edge of his cloak. She said to herself, "If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed." Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment.

The Lord must be willing as well. If i truely want this I must also believe that he wants this too.  Matthew 8:2:3

A man with leprosy [fn] came and knelt before him and said, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.
Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man"I am willing," he said. "Be clean!" Immediately he was cured [fn] of his leprosy.

So many things strike me about these passages... Jesus touched the untouchable, He was willing, and immediately he helped these people. I know I want to change, I know I want to be new, but I don't know how to get past this brick wall that is constantly in my face.

Jesus, if you are willing please change me. I don't want to be like this anymore. You know my heart perfectly, you see all the flaws, but Lord please heal me inside. I cant take the aching tearing pain anymore. Increase my faith. Free me from the past and help me move on. I so need you. God here I am all of me may Your will be done. In Jesus name, Amen

Love Letter From God

Love Letter From God
Everyone wants to give themselves completely to someone…to have a good deep relationship with another…to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God says to a Christian, no…not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by Me. (Matthew 6:33)

Having an intimate, personal and unique relationship with Me… Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, then you will be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united completely with another until you are united completely with Me, above all other desire and longing. Allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan that exsists…one you could not possibly imagine! I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to give it to you. You must keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things…Keep listening and learning the things I promise and mean. Be patient…that is all.

Don't be anxious (Matt. 6:34), don't worry, don't look around at the things others have gotten, or what I have given them. Don't look at the things you think you want, just keep looking up to Me…or you will miss what I want to show you. And then…when you are ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you could dream of. You see…until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready (which I am working even at this moment to have you ready at the same time), you will not be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me. Until you are both satisfied with Me and the life I want you to have, you will not be able to have that perfect love. And dear one…I want you to have the most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me and enjoy an everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that only I can offer.

Know that I love you…I am God Almighty.
Believe and be satisfied.

Battered, bruised and unclothed in self-pity. -Dead Poetic

Things I've learned... 
  1. Sin always hurts. Whether its you or others, whether its past or present; To Jesus it is nails, thorns, and His  blood on our cross.
 2. The more you focus on self the lonelier you feel.
 3. Serving others defeats depression!
 4. Life has nothing to do with you.
 5. Being blessed isn't a matter of the things you have been given, but being thankful for the things you already have.
 6. The first shall be last. Everything we understand is completely backwards in God's eyes.
 Last but not least (haha  there are truly many more but for now these 7 are on my heart)
 7. Perspective, it changes everything... Having the correct perspective is vital to following after Christ.

You know... God is so good He has always proven himself to be faithful to me. I don't understand why I ever doubt him or why I constantly look to others for comfort, for love. Below I put some lyrics to one of my favorite songs be Dead Poetic it is called Take this Breath...
Take this breath for me because 
I cannot bear to do it alone
Pray this prayer for me because
I have no strength to go on
You wont understand me
And I wont understand completely
You don't know what its like
To die inside so completely Battered bruised and unclothed in self pity
But I cannot change this city
Downtrodden upon like an insect infect
I know so much I haven't realized yet
I can't go on no I've tried and tried take this breath God dry my eyes 
Take this breath for me (Take this breath for me)
Take this breath for me (and hold me close and hold me close) 

 Lord... Please hold me close. amen

To Whom it May Concern

(its a great song by Underoath! well if you don't like screemo then you might like this piano version of it)

Today after lunch I went outside and the sun was brilliant and oh so warm... I just had to stay in it. I sprawled out on the cement, tummy down and soaked it in. It was wonderful. I hadn't really thought about how this might look for someone else to see a person face down on the cement. (or if i did think of it I was too comfortable to care) I was so enjoying myself just thanking God for all he has done, for how blessed I am even though I don't know why. It was truly wonderful.... Then well.... my roommate came up with a gasp and was like Brandy! She stops and then says, "Well my first reaction was to freak out! Then I saw it was you and I had to think.. Brandy would do something like that..." lol She then went on to say It's something she totally would've done too except well not in public!!! Haha so funny... :) I'm so content here. Thank you Lord

El Camino

This is the path I take here in Peru, its my time to be with Him.

Hey, so today is a little different. Sometimes I get into these moods... these sentimental ones lol  and I guess you could say I'm like a banana oh so mushy!  haha its true... just ask any of my friends. But anyway I am listening to Forever Reign by Hillsong, it is an incredible song if you don't know it here is the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZ3KIXadMoY
The Chorus says "and Oh I'm running to Your arms I'm running to Your arms the riches of your love will always be enough. Nothing compares to Your embrace Light of the world forever reign." I so want that. I long to run to his arms. Have you ever desired that? Desired to just be held by the one who loves you. The only one who truly loves you, Jesus. He gave himself for me. You might find this strange but I long to run into the arms of God *I know I know He is GOD i mean He made this whole place. But within me is this indescribable yearning to be wrapped up in His arms. The hope of that one day happening is what keeps me going.  I might be alone in this world but I know one day I will feel perfect love and I already feel it in my heart. But one day face to face I will see Him. We serve a good God. He is incredible. Jesus I love you.