Mirrors.

I came across this song a year ago or so and it always speaks deep to me. You can look up the words or just listen closely. Another song that speaks what I feel so well right now is by Blindside, its called Silence. "I believe in silence our hearts speak loud" That's the jist of the song... and yea I guess you could say that's where I am at.  More silent than I have ever been... so naturally that's kinda why i'm writing in here (I can't be silent for too long lol it's just not me) So last night among other things a deep heaviness/aching hole ripped apart my heart  that was fun I tried to go to bed but failed so I just turned on my side and with out even trying the tears just flowed I didnt even cry (or well you know what i mean? like I wasn't crying physically nothing but my eyes just flowed) It was so strange but somehow relieving. then  today I took care of a 92 year old woman (Im her in home care provider part time) I was hoping today would be a good day so I took her to the library *which on a normal day she would enjoy  but this time she freaked!   did  I mention she has dementia and Alzheimer s? well she does and its getting really bad so she looked at me big blue shining eyes and she asks, "where are the others?"  I explain that its just us and the other people she lives with our at home she then accuses me of leaving them. then she goes into panic and begins sobbing saying that she is all alone and her friends have left her. I tried to reassure her with all my ability (mind you this whole scene went down in the Library.... not awkward at all) Finally we get outside headed to the car but she stops in the middle of the road and accuses me again and refuses to walk. I patiently talk her into walking out of the road then we near the car and the sobbing starts up again.. full tears full sadness she says, "I just don't know, I don't know anything, what am I supposed to do? Where are we? Where am I going?" If you don't know me; well I am a very... I don't know what the word is but I feel what others feel intensely. So at this point my heart was breaking for her. Finally we headed home  (with some more anger/sobbing and in general total confusion) I got her some dinner which totally helped and then well then she fell asleep sitting up. I'm assuming the emotional stress was too much for her and she was so tired. Have you ever done that just cried so much you end up asleep and don't even realize it? I know I have....
 well okay so here I am sitting on the floor of my room typing this feeling like I got a black hole inside of me... feeling all alone, wondering if my friends are still there, thinking to myself "I just don't know... I dont know anything, where am I? ( I know I'm in the US i know I'm in California but where am I with God?) What am I supposed to do? and WHERE AM I GOING?!?!  So there you have it... Today I realized something...  when I saw her crying, when I saw her confused, angry, scared, and hurt I was seeing myself.